Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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