I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
