Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
another moral hangover. fuck.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
