mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.