I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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