mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
