I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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