K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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