i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
