i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
