I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
