im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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