we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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