can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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