she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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