Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
