Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
