You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
