its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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