Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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