is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
