I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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