Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
