since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
