Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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