the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
