You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
