I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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