He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
