I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
