So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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