I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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