Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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