it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
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The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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