hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
