This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
