You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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