i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
