i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
