i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
