I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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