The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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