Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
