i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom