half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
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Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
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I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive