bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
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She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect