So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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