i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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