I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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