I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
