using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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