All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
