My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
