Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
