Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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