he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Randomize
