I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
