Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
